It Takes TWO to Tango
Few days ago ... i grabbed a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" for John Gray. And that was the moment when the truth hit me ... i discovered that i was blaming him for the very same reasons that i shouldn't have ... and he has been blaming me for the very same reasons that he shouldn't have (according to J. Gray) ...
For two whole months, i've been having detestfull feelings of resentment, frustration, pressure and being unworthy ...
I now can imagine, how much i must have given him also feelings of un-appreciation, under-estimating his capabilities and resenting his love or actions when they come out in the wrong direction.
No wonder he said at the end: we are different .. we are not listening to each other ...
because ... while he felt i didn't understand him, i felt he didn't appreciate me or care enough ...
while he felt i always get histerically mad at things that simply doesn't make sense to him, i felt he was being so unconsiderate of my feelings, cold and unromantic.
When i was expressing feelings of frutration and being upset, he'd instinctively try to explain to me why he said/did this and that, while i was just expressing my feelings just to feel his care and compassion. However loud i'd express my frustration, he'd simply look for a logical explanation for the problem ... being a martian, he is unaware that when a venusian talks about problems, she wants him just to listen and comfort her, not to get apologies nor explanations.
As J. Gray says in his book:
To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix- It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
From my side, i did not acknowledge this difference, and thus, was blaming him blindly for wut he was not aware of ... when i myself was unaware of why i have such disappointment in him.
When he gets into his cave, i get the feeling of being ignored and resented ... i never realized that it had nothing to do with me. It was just the martian's nature. (i remember the last day, i was very furious he didn't call me for two whole days, when i called him after 2 days, i had the accomulated sum of feelings of being ignored and losing his attention ... it just scared me and frustrated me at the same time ... i never knew how bad he must have felt that i didn't appreciate his pre-aquired annoyance and didn't leave him alone till he comes out of the cave or even offer comfort and sharing).
When he got upset that i'd tell my parents about our problems, he was thinking as a Martian.
"Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's needs for feeling good are different from a woman's He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships."
That was clear in two seperate reactions:
1. He didn't expect me to speak that frequently about wut annoys me or hurts me. While my only way of relieving my stress was by talking about it, just needing someone to listen and not to offer explanation. Just LISTENING would be enough.
2. He didn't understand why i'd talk to my parents. In his reply to my explanation: that i hardly talk about anything that bothers me, and my parents keep pushing on me to express my feelings ... he said mockingly: "wut do u mean they are pushing you? are they torturing you?"
What i couldn't communicate to him in the right way is that i was having a problem in expressing my feelings to him, because everytime i'd start talking about my upsetion, he instictively puts on the Martian's glasses, seeing only the fact that there IS a problem, and hence, starts to find solutions (whether by apologizing or by saying the famous word that J. Gray puts on the "Dont's List for a man" ... he'd say: "You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant!" )
When i lost hope that he can give me this "listening" that i needed so bad ... i did what any normal Venusian would do: find someone to share my frustrations with.
Another funny thing is that, J.Gray says: "Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women's restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient. "
Could that possibly be the reason why we had so many argues on "him not liking restaurants and me liking them"? As i told him before, not as clearly put as J.Gray explains it though, i want to sit somewhere, because i want to sit face to face with you to talk and share thoughts and feelings. This is the way i - as a Venusian - approach my need to recieve giving and sharing feelings.
While he - as a Martian - would only look to sitting in a restaurant as something boring and probably reminds him of the "office" atmosphere.
Also, while i was feeling too giving and not recieving anything from him, he was feeling he is giving enough.
According to the book, Martians live most of their life with a win/lose philosophy. In their younger-years, they are more self-absorbed and unaware of others needs. When they get involved in a relationship, it takes them time to appreciate the other's needs and starting giving more into the relation. They need a long time along the relationship to form a win/win philosophy.
On the other hand, Venusians naturally adopt a lose/win philosophy. They give too much to each other. But this doesn't work when it comes to their relationship with Martians. Because while the Martian is still in the learning process of "giving" ... the Venusian is recieving much less than she expects in order to equate her amount of giving. This inequality eventually results in a feeling of frustration and unappreciation for the woman, while it makes the man feel at the same time that HE is the one who is not appreciated because no matter how hard he tries to give, she is still not satisfied.
And here comes my mistake of not being aware of this. I simply didn't give him time. In the same time, i should have started to learn the new approach of win/win myself, instead of blaming him for my women's nature of being over-giving.
Men get motivated the most when they feel most needed. I have lived most of my life alone - or rather lonely. During my whole childhood, i never had anyone with whom i could share my thoughts or feelings, inspite of my many friends. I'd just keep myself to myself. Being a single child contributed the most to that. Gradually, i developed a very dependant nature, dependant in thoughts, taking responsibilities and taking actions. I was never dependant on anyone, except with sharing feelings as a way of relieving stress (i learned this too late, during college period only). As a consequant of that self-dependance, it was hard for me to give up to a man. To leave the stirring wheel completely to him and let him step confidently into my life. I was in a "resistance" phase, unawaringly. That must have reflected upon him with feelings of not being trusted, not loved, not "needed" and certainly not competent enough for me. It must have given him great disappointment.
He felt i was not sharing my feelings with him, he didn't realize that i was not ready yet to open up completely to him and to involve him in my inner-dialogues. I had been too lonely for a long time that i forgot how a companion needs also needs to feel companionship from my side. In fact, i was slowly changing, not with a rate that could have been noticible to him. The funny thing is that i felt more and more close to him at the end of the relationship, but with all the arguments explonding more and more, it was less and less obvious to him. I even started, for the first time in my life, to speak about my feelings openly to my parents and try to get their advice and involve them in my thoughts.
In Another part, Gray says:
"When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. Life is filled with rhythms‐day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear.
Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well. "
Reminds me of one incident when i was feeling really destressed and fatigued, i met a friend and i was talking to her in a little more cheerfull tone than i talked to him. He immediately felt jealous and "shocked" as Gray says. I never gave it a thought and i was really surprised at his reaction. Not knowing that i was the one who shifted my mood too fast, probably at the wrong moment and with the wrong person as well.
"A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self‐ esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up. " .... Once i was almost at the bottom, and one silly word that he said that might have sounded very normal at any other time simply "crashed me" ... and normally when i crash, i just curl up my own cave and cannot give any response until my wave rises on its own.
"A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times, otherwise he may make unreasonable demands. "
How many time have i exploded in his face because "I" was at the bottom, not just "not feeling good" about myself, but rather "hating" myself. With my struggle with dieting and the tension of daily struggle to lose weight, i was very unsatisfied about myself. At that time when i was most vulnerable and needed more love and support, he was wearing a fix-it hat, telling me "you should stop dieting" ...
"The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support."
I'm still not through half the book, yet i've learned a lot. I have acknowledged a lot of my mistakes and his mistakes. I've come to really appreciate him much more.
However, as the title of this blog hints ... it takes TWO to Tango. A relationship is a very sensitive and tricky matter ... it has to be approached by BOTH partners, acknowledging their differences and truely willing to understand each other.
He said we are different, indeed we are. we MUST be. He is from Mars, and i'm from Venus.
He said may be we wouldn't manage to live together and be happy. This is something completely up to us, happiness is something we can create or destroy by our actions and our re-actions. Happiness is an output of a correct communication. Up till this point, we were NOT communicating ... we were just standing on the two ends of a rope, each one pulling against the other untill the rope was finally broken.
